From Brown to White : A cheapskate's guide

Tired of your brown skin ? Want to get fair quickly , easily and more importantly , CHEAPLY ?

This is an option hardly addressed by many cosmetic companies . While most of them are aware of this country's obsession with fairness ( except the government ) hardly few understand the cravings on an Indian to save as much money as he can . However luckily for them the need to become fair is a more powerful pull than the needs to save money thanks to high disposable incomes and globalization . With foreign brands like Chanel , L'Oreal ,Christian Dior etc . available in India pretty soon the brown will be forever abolished from the face of India to be replaced by pure milky silky costly white .The UPA government is said to discussing a plan to offer more subsidies on cosmetics to people ,cutting back on organic farming and solar power harvesting to eradicate this nation-wide disease .

Until such plans are implemented your options for cheap fairness are quite limited .

Step Right in . You have come to the right place . Below are some of the cheapest products I have known that will enhance your non-existent fairness in no time . A few are household items that wont even increase your current budget by a single penny .

Calcium Carbonate . This piece of cosmetic is a beauty . It is found in large quantities in talcum powders .Even building are made fair using this stuff .Think about it man ..... What is the secret of the house that stands out in the sun without getting tanned in years ? And this stuff is literally dirt cheap . And best of all is that if it is winter , this warms up your skin without the need of any artificial heaters , further bringing down the costs . And yeah , its completely maintenance free. Paint yourself once and forget the need to ever visit the beauty parlor for years . Even the Caucasians would envy you .

Chlorine. If calcium carbonate is not your style ,then step up to chlorine . The most widely used bleaching agent . If you are not convinced , let me give you an example . Trees are brown ( just as you skin) in color . yet the paper produced from them are snow-white . Why ? Chlorine . Chlorine is used to bleach wood pulp to produce WHITE paper . Your skin is softer than wood pulp making it easier to bleach you white . Chlorine is anti-bacterial and can effectively kill the microbes that cause pimples and other skin problems effectively cleansing your skin .

( Note : As chlorine is a carcinogen , you can even die quickly , without having to worry about growing old or worrying about future expenses. )

Asian Paints . Ironically , this paint aims to eradicate the color of the Indian continent , brown and yellow . Unlike chlorine and calcium carbonate where you get only one kind of texture , paints allow a broader variety of texture . Choose from glossy , matte , patterned and multi-color . Want to be a redneck ? add some red paint in the neck and the cheeks and chin and almost everywhere . Plus painting allows the option of having multi color posters on your body . Become Ronny Coleman by simply painting big muscles and the bollywood six pack on yourself ( Note: Ronny Coleman is brown ) . Top off the the body paint with some reflective coating to keep yourself cool in summer . For some extra cost , Asian paints will even paint your body with mickey mouse themed colors and designs ( thats right , you rulezzz ma man ) .

If you are a shut-in guy who never likes to get out of the house or a facebook ka baap ( you are if you upload 20000 pics of yourself sporting cheap sunglasses and have each part of your anatomy tagged and liked by 400 people ) then here is an even simpler idea .Take a 50 rs ,200 Megapixel camera . Shoot a picture of yourself naked in front of a white wall . Load it into your Core 7 Duo computer. Open the image in a image editor and invert colors . Bingo the wall becomes black and you white . Upload it in facebook and tag all your rockstar friends in it . And you have yourself a new white rapper /bollywood banger/whatever the fuck you are .

Harpic . The ultimate. Soak the yellow muck of your turd soaked toilet for 20 min with this blue wonder and flush . Presto!! sparkling clean white toiler . Same applies to you . Take a paper and apply a copious amount of harpic over it and cover your face with it . Lie still for 20 min and wash it off with some lizol .

For added clear skin effect use some dettol .

If any of the above products have proved effective in your quest for fairness , be caring and share this article with your friends . Brownness is a serious contagious disease that passes through generations . These products are not only effective , they are also CHEAP , a crucial characteristic in the face of ever rising inflation of food prices . A small step like mailing this article will go a long way in abolishing the brown color from our country forever,freeing us from oppression and allowing us to achieve our full potential of being a superpower .

For the love of action

Huge explosions , Constant rattling of gas operated rifles , the cacophony of 50 cals and 7.62 mm NATO rounds. They never cease to hold my attention . Desert Eagles , more suitable for killing Bisons than Humans ooze machismo and attitude . So addictive , that when I browse sites for information on weapons and ordinance , my mom becomes melodramatic and wonders if I will become a terrorist ( me , a glass wearing nerd sitting inside the house browsing the internet ! )

The more movies I see , the more I wonder at the sheer stupidity of FPS'es and action movies .You find the hero ( in games its you ) shooting down millions of pixels with sheer excitement . Stallone and Arnie shoot from unimaginable distances with hand cannons ( read desert eagles ) and perform physics defying stunts that would put black holes to shame. While Arnie shoots from the hip with a Minigun ( so called because its much smaller than its parent the 20mm M61 Vulcan used in aircraft) , Stallone drives a tank into a modified Aerospatiale SA 330 Puma ( read Hollywood style Soviet Croc ) creating a 20 gigaton blast , only to survive the explosion . His Rambo-ian feats are legendary surpassed only by Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee .

Arnie on the other hand is a Hercules . He rides horses onto rooftops , drives the Naval ( yes I did spell it right)Harriers , and shoots at the forehead from 100 m .To top it all is Vin Diesel , who can make a bare engine run at 200 mph . And of course , no one can forget Rajini ( and if I did I am no human at all ) the world hero . Catching bullets in a glass of juice , playing catch and catch with grenades , Shooting across the world from the Wild west to the dry districts of TamilNadu.You name it, he has done it . Heck when he got bored he even created a new web and renamed google to google.rajinikanth.com . Not even Amitabh can come close . ( Notice that I make no mention of SRK , Akshay Kumar or Salman Khan . They are nothing more than little boys, whose occupation especially the latter , is nothing more than tearing up shirts in silly fights. Rajini doesnt even soil his white dhoti . )

With the heyday of the 80's action long gone , many thought that the days of awesome action is over . Not anymore fellas , you have a lifesaver : Call of Duty , the most unrealistic shooter ever created . Not only does one survive .50 cal hits , one can even re generate health and never lose a muscle or bone . And to make it all the more unrealistic is the animated sequences shown in between the game , making it more of a personal Rambo V than a combat game . COD aint the first . That credit belongs to classics like Quake , Doom and the master of the masculine gender : Duke Nukem 3D.

With so much stupidity why does one waste hours to catch the latest action flick or get caught up in an online deathmatch for hours together ?? ?

Simple answer : fun and the adrenaline surge.

Most guys will agree with me . There is an urge in all of us , to do something bad ass and huge . The adrenaline surge of watching an action movie , takes us to a place where we fell 100 men with bare hands, a feeling of power when holding a rifle ( though in most cases it will be nothing more than mouse or a game console controller) . Indeed , from the sales of FPS video games ,action figures and the sheer multitude of online gaming servers , this is universally evident .

You wont find any self respecting guy playing SIMS 3 or cake mania . They prefer being caught red-handed kicking a puppy.With so much adrenaline to suppress no wonder we love the sheer sound of a plastic explosive .

Excuse me now , for it is time for my session of UrbanTerror online .

Circus of Insanity

Somebody makes a mistake. Maybe the thief hasnt hid his track well enough . The businessman hasnt covered his affair well . The celebrity's escapades are not clandestine . A politician got caught in a sting operation . Everytime , regardless of the situation one huge organization goes crazy , dragging along millions of people with it , the media .

Knee-jerk reactions , instaneous decisions , melodrama , shouting , expert opinions characterize the famous masala industry of this country . Unknown people from all walks of life get to face demaaanding questions , experts of all subjects from poop-cleaning to economics face the glaring studio lights ; live reports are generated by reporters instantly signing off with a "for xxxxy channel , yyzz"(thats the only thing I can hear and understand clearly in the whole 10 minutes in which they speak non-stop).

The news channels never seem to let go of the world headlines : everything makes the headlines. From the 2g scam to the decision by the press on not to publicize the bachchan's expected scion's birth .

The television media has mistakenly taken itself too seriously . From doing dignified coverage of scoops and stories , it has moved on to a style that resembles more of a saas-bahu television namely that of shock and FUD . Reporters and people shout in the studios in the name of debates . Suits with a heavy Indian accent report you the breaking news with the same 10 sec clip shown for hours .Ladies call up unknown experts asking questions and refusing answers , pretending to know something about what they are talking .

This gets worse when a homicide case is covered . The 2008 Noida double murder case is a shining example of the media's insensitivity. Not only did they disregard the privacy of the family , the entire circus roamed around the house , which might have destroyed much needed evidence , pretending to be forensic experts and giving judgements on the outcome of the case .

What amazes me is their stubborn refusal to mend their ways and their determination in not letting any thoughts or criticism get through their heads .Its like getting a new idea is like catching HIV and therefore unhealthy at all costs.

While there are some good examples , the number and the occasions in which they are displayed are too few . Also lacking from the media is a lack of critcism . Barkha Dutt has no doubt earned the ire of many a blogger for forcing a blogger to take down his article which was downright against his constitutional rights. May the stupidity of the Indian media never cease .

Being nothing more than aam aadmi , we can do nothing but watch in despair as entertainment and news becomes one , how anything and everything is blown out of proportions just to get a goddamned number called TRP to increase, how insensitivity means more profit and less privacy means more viewers. An action against this would no doubt be derided again as an attack on freedom of speech despite the fact that freedom will be attained only when these speeches finally end .

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